Dane Cook

Simon Said

If you shaved your beard, and put on a dress, you'd be a great female impersonator

And if you win this contest, we will have failed

Don't mean to be rude, but you look like the Hulk's wife

Simon said

The things that Simon said

Simon, we can tell that you were born this season

Your face was the same one that I make every time I watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey

And Simon, you have the honesty of Abe Lincoln, and the charm of the guy who shot him (3, 4! )

Did you take singing lessons? Do you have a lawyer? Then you should sue your teacher

You sounded like Sher after she's been to the dentist

Did you really think you could win American Idol? You must be deaf

Simon said

The things that Simon said

Simon said

The things that Simon said

Simon says no so often that when he says yes it's because someone just asked him if he said no

You are the inspiration for people everywhere who want to be told they suck on TV in front of millions of people

But let's not forget the other judges

(Randy) Yo dog, I don't know man, it was a little bit pitchy, it was not good for me, I was like "WHAT!"

(Ellen) That was, uh, it was, it was really great, you look like you're, uh, having a good time up there it was great

(Karen) You've gotten lost in this competition, find out what kind of artist you are, you can win this whole thing right now

Now let's hear it from Ryan, after the break

I assume there was no mirror in your dressing room tonight

You've invented a new form of torture

You came across like a background singer for a background singer

I'm sorry, there's bad, then there is you

Simon said

The things that Simon said

Simon said

The things that Simon said

Simon said (You know you said it)

The things that Simon said