Talkin' John Birch Paranoid Blues

Well, I was feelin' sad and kind of blue

I didn't know what I was gonna do

The Communists were comin' around

They was in the air, they were on the ground

They were all over

So I ran down most hurriedly

And joined the John Birch Society

I got me a secret membership card

Went back to my backyard

And started looking on the sidewalk

'Neath the rose bush

Well, I was lookin' everywhere for them gold darned Reds

I got up in the mornin' and looked under my bed

Looked behind the kitchen, behind the door

Even tore loose the kitchen floor, couldn't find any

I looked beneath the sofa, beneath the chair

Looking for them Reds everywhere

I looked way up my chimney hole

Even looked deep inside my toilet bowl

They got away

I heard some footsteps by the front porch door

So I grabbed my shotgun from the floor

I snuck around the house with a huff and hiss and

"Hands up, you Communist" it was a mail man

He punched me out

Well, I quit my job so I could work alone

I got a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes

Followed some clues from my detective bag

And discovered they was red stripes on the American flag

Did you know about Betsy Ross

Well, I was sittin' home alone and I started to sweat

I figured they was in my television set

I peeked behind the picture frame

And got a shock from my feet that hit my brain

Them Reds did it, no one's on the hootin' nanny

Well, I finally started thinkin' straight

When I run outta things to investigate

I couldn't imagine doin' anything else

So now I'm at home investigatin' myself

Hope, I don't find out too much, good God